so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
