I will die if light touches me.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
