I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
