do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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