I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
