Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
