Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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