apparently the secret to your success is patron
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize