hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
