What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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