the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
