i was born a porn star she said
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
