If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
