I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize