I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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