i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
