can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize