Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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