I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
