Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
