i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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