sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
