Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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