So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
