i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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