I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
