Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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