You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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