You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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