Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize