I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
