Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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