she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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