Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
