i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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