so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
