someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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