youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
