last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
