tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
