dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
