I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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