Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
