I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
