Kareoke will never be a sober sport
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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