those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
