I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
