my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
True college students do jello shots in the library
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