I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
