it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
