We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
