I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize