remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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