I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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