Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
