I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
