i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
