the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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